hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
