I must be too annoying 4 u.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
