Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
