I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There's always time for handjobs
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
