Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
