You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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