i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My balls are so social today.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
