I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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