I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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