Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
