If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
