i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
