The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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