we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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