All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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