Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
