ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize