When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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