Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
