Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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