when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
