I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
