she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
