god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
