You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
