I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
