How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
try to milk me bitch
Randomize