I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
