the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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