she was so not down for the gang bang
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
