If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
