Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
