I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
