Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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