I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
