god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
