i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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