I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
