Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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