Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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