I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
