ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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