I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I faked an abortion last night.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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