Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
