I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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