My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
