the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
