Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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