i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
