We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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