this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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