Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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