i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
