we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
nutella sex= disaster
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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