omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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