Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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