Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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