WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
