How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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