It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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