Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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