I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
